Q: Dear Pocket Parent,

My son has been best friends with this boy since kindergarten. Now they are in fourth grade. They are almost like brothers. During this school year my son's friend has become friends with another boy in class. Did I mention that this other boy is my best friend's son? Well, my son has also tried being friends with my best friend's son, but her son just doesn't want to be friends with him.

Now my son's best friend is starting to play with this boy and leaving my son out. They have tried to play all together but my son is left out of that too. This afternoon my son's friend was supposed to play over my house after school. My friend's son heard my son and his friend making decided that he wanted to play with the other kid, and not my son. His mother said he should play with my son because he made plans first with my son. He then took a fit and his mother told him to go home and call my friend's son and tell him that he couldn't because he had already made plans. Then my son's friend called here and asked if my son wanted to go over to his house instead so all three could play. My son said no. His friend said OK and hung up.

Now my son is feeling sad. He wants to be friends with both but he knows that my friend's son doesn't like him, and that his best friend wants to play more with the other kid. I'm mad about the whole situation, but I don't know how to what to say to my son to make him feel better. I want to say something to my son's best friend's mother, but what? And I want to say something to my best friend, but what?

My son is a very sensitive person and very sensitive to other feelings. He doesn't want to tell his friend that he hurt my sons feeling but yet he's feeling so bad. What do I do? Please help!

A: Dear Worried Parent,

There are definitely times when parents' hearts ache for what their child is going through. You naturally want to fix the problem on the spot, using that "instant magic" all moms (and dads) possess. You all know what we mean. Instant magic is packed into that kiss you place just so on a "boo-boo" that makes it feel all better. It’s also evident when you enter the room at 3:17 a.m. and throw your arms around your sobbing child, rescuing her from the clutches of a terrifying nightmare.

However, as in adult life, sometimes situations just need time to work out. Often a good dose of patience and understanding is called for. And, if you’re in the midst of a bad day yourself, this is not easy to do. For it involves really listening carefully to your child, providing empathy for what is troubling him, and of course, your loving reassurance that everything will be OK. Hopefully over time, with your guidance, your child will develop his self-confidence and the ability to cope with the normal ins and outs of friendships at this age.

It may be helpful for you to realize it's normal for children this age to discover new friends, while ignoring old ones. Think about when you were a child. Were the friends you had in first grade the same as in third grade or fifth grade? Children's interests change as they grow, and so do their friends. This, of course, is painful for the child who is left behind.

It would be helpful to let your child know that you understand his hurt feelings. Then your child instantly feels your support. This can be accomplished by acknowledging his feelings. For example, you can say, "Oh honey, you must be so hurt and upset. This situation is so unfair. After you were so kind to include both boys in your invitation, you’re the one that gets left out once again. Even best friends can really hurt each other’s feelings sometimes. I’m sorry this happened to you."

Perhaps you can share a story from your childhood when you had a similar experience and how you felt as well as how it was resolved. Kids seem to relate so well to hearing how their parents had problems and how they worked them out. They seem to really enjoy your personal true stories, and what you tell them you did often serves as a very powerful lesson.

Talking to the two boys' mothers may not be productive. You can't make a child enjoy playing with another child. Forcing the boys to play together can lead to resentment and bad feelings all around.

In the meantime, perhaps you can encourage your son to make new friends. He may know other boys at school or in the neighborhood whom he has fun with. You can help him arrange outings, such as going to the pool or a movie. Taking these small steps may lead to more rewarding friendships for your son. Good luck!

Gail and Jo