Q: Dear Pocket Parent,

My daughters, ages 5, 7, and 8 are pretty good most of the time and I try my best to handle the occasional sibling squabble, or not listening, etc. However, I'm stumped on this one. They have some good adult friends who let them lolly gag all over them and I don't know how to get them to show respect and not "hang" onto these people. The adults let the kids thumb wrestle, play "horsey" etc, and then when they see them in a public setting like at church or with other adults present, they don't seem to get that they shouldn't treat these adults that way. The adults don't tell them NO in these settings, which would certainly reinforce me when I take the girls and tell them to "get off", etc. but then again, they are MY kids and My responsibility to discipline - I am just not sure how to do it.
I am pretty permissive, sometimes neglectful as I was beaten to get me to submit when I was a child and I don't want that for mine. However, that leaves me with no practical advice and I live in the country with no close friends who have kids my age or older to see other ways of handling them. So any help you can offer would be great! Thanks.

A:

I can sense what good parents you are! We all want our children to be well mannered and respectful--especially in public. We do our best to teach right from wrong and set appropriate limits, yet many of us choose to avoid resorting to physical punishment.

The key to solving most any problem is communication. The least effective time to communicate is in the heat of the moment. So, try to set up a time when the whole family can talk or a private discussion with each child separately. During a family meeting, or planned discussion of some sort, feelings and rules can be discussed.

If you think about it, you are probably grateful if not even a bit jealous of these "playful" adults in our children's lives. It's not easy for some of us to lighten up enough to thumb wrestle or get down on all fours and give someone a piggyback ride. However, church is probably not the best place to interact that way.

So, maybe it would be helpful to go over proper church etiquette to prevent the behavior from reoccurring. One thing you and the kids could try is role-playing the situation. You could pretend you are one of your children and they can be the "playful adults" and you could demonstrate to them in a fun way that they may behave at church.

You can also just talk about your feelings and ask the kids to discuss proper ways they can respond to their adult friends that would be respectful and appropriate to you. If the kids come up with what they could say ahead of time that is OK with you, they are more likely to behave when the time comes at church.

If the kids do behave as you requested, compliment them. Specific compliments including values are better than general ones. Say, "I noticed how you politely shook Tom’s hand as you said, ‘hello’," instead of a general, "Good job." Or say, "I really appreciated how respectful you were when you were talking to Tom."

Have a follow-up meeting to let the kids know how their behavior has improved or what isn’t working. Listening and respecting their feelings helps them have the patience to really hear yours. Making the time to talk to each other is worth the effort. I’m quite sure you will see progress in your kids' behavior.

Good luck!
Gail Reichlin