Q: Dear Pocket Parent,

Hi. My 5-year-old daughter has a couple of friends that I do not like. I don't want her playing with them, but I don't know what I can do. I had been letting them play inside a lot, but started feeling like I was being taken advantage of. They would raid the refrigerator and wouldn't pick up after themselves. One day, when the baby was asleep, these two girls were begging to come in and play. I told them it wasn't a good time, and later that day my daughter told me they called me a dumb old bi***. I am trying very hard to think kids will be kids, but I don't want my daughter to learn these disrespecting habits. Should I allow my daughter to play with them? I feel they are a bad influence on her.
Worried Mom

A: Dear Worried Mom,

Kids WILL be kids...but you are still in charge and you make the rules. However, you do have to choose your battles. Ask yourself if this is really going to matter an hour from now, a week from now, a month from now.

I know what it's like to have the refrigerator raided by kids. Maybe you could set aside a snack bowl or bin that you fill with approved snacks and tell them that the refrigerator is off limits. They need permission from you to go into it.

As far as the swear word goes, you can discuss with your daughter (and even with the friend), how you understand that they were both very angry with you that they could not come in the house while the baby was sleeping. However, calling people names is not allowed because it is disrespectful and hurts people's feelings. You can tell the girls that they are welcomed to express their feelings respectfully. Maybe you can come up with a compromise or direct them to another fun activity so they forget that they even wanted to come into the house. It is sometimes helpful to give a verbal example of the exact words the girls can say to you (i.e. tell them, "I will listen to you if you say, 'I'm really feeling angry with you, Mommy...we're hungry.'").

It can be really tough not allowing your daughter to play with the kids if they are neighbors. Feelings can get hurt, both parents' and children's. Keep in mind that children go through stages, some are more difficult than others are. I know some great caring parents whose children, for a variety of reasons, and even for no reason, went through some very difficult stages during the preschool years. Kids can change overnight.

I suggest you only allow one friend to come over at a time. Remember the old adage: Two's company...Three's a crowd? Three kids are always prone to create friction; someone usually gets left out. It is also important to sit the kids down and calmly tell them the rules of your house. You will be amazed how well the guest listens when you take the time to explain these things. You can include the fact that every house has different rules, and that's OK. We follow the rules of the house we are visiting.

Then I further suggest at lest one activity that is more parent initiated. If you are involved the behavior should be better because you can control it. For example, have each child take a turn helping you roll out the cookie dough, or you take them to the park and get them each in a swing or ask them to take turns on the slide. I suggest a playdate to last between 1 and 2 hours...no more. You can have a 10-minute snacktime and a parent-directed activity when things are getting out of hand.

Think about this...you and your child can even become a positive influence on these children! You can consider discussing with your 5-year-old how you are going to have a special kind of playdate. For example, plan a kindness day and each person is going to be extra polite to each other for one activity. (about 20 minutes) You explain the rules to them and tell them when the timer rings there will be a special snack in the kitchen.

Compliment your daughter and the guest when they are playing nicely. This is extremely important in getting improved behavior from the guest and is much more effective than complaining and criticizing when things are going poorly.

And if the kids really do have a pleasant day, please remember to share the good news with the playdate's parents. They probably rarely hear anything good about their child and maybe they also will praise their child for the good behavior.

So go at the playdate with a positive attitude and ask for your child to help plan what she thinks her friend would enjoy. If none of these suggestions work, take the kids to a short movie and maybe for ice cream where they can't get into much trouble. At least you can still allow them to be together although it will require more of your time and planning.

Most importantly, refrain from calling these children bad in front of your child. There is the old self-fulfilling prophecy, which will give you exactly what you expect. So, expect to have fun and take one playdate at a time. Have them over to your house as much as possible so you can observe the relationship, but occasionally let your child go to her house.

It's really hard raising young children especially when Dad is away and there's a little 5-month-old in tow to boot! I hope a good friend relieves you from time to time to take a breather! You need that for your mental health.

--Keep in touch,
Gail Reichlin