Q: We were asked about the issue of children stealing. In this case it involved a 10-year-old girl taking money from the parent’s dresser and spending it with a friend at a mall. The girl, who eventually confessed to her parents that she took the money, felt remorse. She returned the money she still had and the parents required her to pay back the money she spent by doing extra chores, from her allowance, and from returning the items she bought. The girl told her parents she felt that EVERYONE has more than she does (money, friends, bigger house, own TV, computer, etc.). The parents asked us if we had any other tips that have been helpful to others.

A: We think it was appropriate to have your daughter pay back all the money she stole and to return the items she bought with the stolen money. It could be helpful to have a series of planned private discussions with her so she hopefully won't feel the need to repeat this behavior. However, further punishment is probably not necessary if she truly feels remorse and will not repeat the behavior. We would not bring up the incident again, especially discussing it with someone over the phone in earshot of your daughter.

It was wise to find out why your daughter felt the need to take the money. It’s not unusual for children to feel like every other kid has more friends, money and possessions than they do.

You can also discuss stealing and popularity in the context of your own childhood or stories of when you were young. Sometimes personal stories can be very powerful in getting a point across. (Gail and Jo both each remember a time when as young children they stole a pack of gum with friends from the dimestore, and the great guilt and remorse they felt afterward.)

It can be helpful to have family discussions about money, and how your family chooses to spend it. For example, you may not go to Disney World because it’s more important for your daughter to have music lessons.

We feel everyone is capable from an early age of having some kind of chore responsibility. It doesn't have to be connected to money, although this works for many families. We also want our children to have first-hand experience with dollars related to saving, generosity, budgeting, thriftiness and even the pleasure of splurging for something that they really want. They are generally a lot more thoughtful about spending THEIR OWN money.

Whether you all choose a weekly allowance that they receive as long as they have completed all their normal chores (which Jo does with her children), or a value for each chore well done (as Gail did with her kids), decide on a reasonable amount of money that all agree will be given to them to spend or save. Gail did not pay her children for general chores that they were expected to do. She told them that no one paid her!!! However, sometimes she had special jobs, like stuffing envelopes, washing windows, etc. that were offered and they could do it if they wanted. By the way, those extra jobs seemed to get done more often when they invited a friend over to help as well as keep them company (they were paid as well).

Another issue to discuss with your daughter is how she feels she doesn't have enough friends. Keeping the lines of communication open can only help air feelings of all concerned (for example, in a family meeting) and get input from the kids to see what might help them feel better. Acknowledge their feelings, and try some of their ideas.

--Gail Reichlin