Ask Pocket Parent

Q: I have an eight-year-old who is driving me crazy… I think that she is turning into a teenager already, with her non-stop arguing. She thinks she is real "cool"… help!

Frustrasted Mom

A: Dear Frustrated Mom,

You provided very scant information about your eight-year-old daughter who is arguing with you so frequently. I'm not sure what you mean by she thinks she's "cool." It is in children's natures to test their parents' limits and see how much autonomy they can have. If there is an opportunity to avoid your requests, such as to clean up one's room, do one's homework, many kids will do so.

It is important to give eight-year-olds some freedom as well as some responsibility. Sometimes it is helpful to tie increased freedom/privileges to their following through with household tasks and expectations.

Having a family discussion regarding what are reasonable expectations to have in relation to appropriate communication and getting along as a family would be a good idea. This is most effectively done outside the heat of the moment, when everyone is calm and able to listen as well as explain feelings and thoughts.

In a family meeting, the whole family participates. One family member presents what they see as the problem to be solved, (such as talking disrespectfully, not cooperating at home, etc.) -- then every family member can brainstorm and come up with ideas as to how to solve the problem. Every idea, no matter how unacceptable, gets written down and considered. Once all ideas and suggestions are written down, the parents can have veto power over what they can live with or not.

Combining parents' ideas with the children's ideas to arrive at a solution is often helpful, until the family arrives at a solution they all feel comfortable with. Then that gets written down and posted in a prominent place in the house, and you expect all to abide by it. When the children are involved in solving the problem and pre-determining the consequences if they misbehave, they are much more likely to cooperate.

If noticeable improvement is not evident, another family meeting might be needed. Sometimes such plans need to be tweaked a bit to become more workable. On the other hand, another meeting might also be called just to compliment and celebrate the better behavior. Praise is an important part of teaching right from wrong. Think about how your boss gets you to do your work in a different way.

Keep in mind that once you as the parent choose to engage into a power struggle, this is a no-win situation. Both parties may be upset, angry, guilty, afraid, sad, etc. and simply not able to speak and think rationally. So when your daughter confronts you with an attack, take a deep breath and respond only with a non-judgmental response like, "Ooooooo", or "Ohhhhhh", or "I see." This type of response will not escalate into an argument. Give these ideas a try and let us know about the improvements.

Best wishes,
Gail Reichlin, author of The Pocket Parent and
Nancy Bruski, Licensed Clinical Social Worker