Q: My 4-year-old daughter has a bad habit
of interrupting people when they are talking. Sometimes it seems as
if she waits for someone to start talking just so she can get in the
middle. We do include her in many conversations, so it's not like
she can't get a word in at all. Now her teacher at preschool told
me that she has been interrupting in the middle of class. For example,
when the teacher is telling the class what activity they will be doing,
she is constantly speaking at the same time, asking if they can do
what she wants to do. I need some advice on how to handle this. When
she interrupts her father and I, we tell her to wait her turn and
not interrupt. I am at a standstill of what to do next. I don't want
her to be in trouble at school everyday - she is very intelligent
and loves to go. I don't want to change that.
A: Dear Mom,
I have an entire chapter on "Interrupting" in my new book
called The Pocket Parent. This annoying behavior runs rampant in the
two-to-five-year-old population, when kids are still at a very egocentric
stage of development. They tend to concentrate on their own needs,
totally oblivious to how inconsiderate their behavior is to someone
else. Some preschoolers also go through a possessive stage, interrupting
because they desire their parents' (or teacher's) exclusive attention.
This often occurs when a new baby enters the family.
I think it is a great idea to continue prioritizing one-on-one time
with your daughter so that she does get your complete attention even
for only 5 minutes at least 1-2 times each day. You can call this
time "Mommy/Kelly (name of your daughter) Time" which opens
the door for you to label other time during the day like "Mommy/Daddy
Time," "Mommy Alone Time," "Mommy/Brother Time."
From my 30 years of experience as a preschool teacher, I feel that
your bright daughter is simply going for the total attention of whomever
is around her. I think the best time to talk to her about her interrupting
is outside the heat of the moment in a private discussion or a more
formal family meeting. (I explain how to hold a family meeting in
my book). This is the time when people have a better chance to calmly
listen and discuss behavior both positive and negative. This is a
great time to solve problems with the input of the child.
It is also a time to discuss improvements and good behavior. For example,
in this case, you might talk to your child by saying, "I got
upset and embarrassed when you interrupted my conversation with our
neighbor. Next time Mrs. Tate comes over and I'm talking to her let's
think of something you can do instead of interrupting. How about if
you come next to me and gently squeeze my little finger like this
(show her). Then I will know you want to talk to me and I will finish
talking to Mrs. Tate as soon as possible without being rude. What
could you do while I finish talking?''
Maybe you both will decide she can sing the ABC song. You can tell
her that by the time she finishes the song, you will be ready to listen
to her. Then keep your promise! Then you can practice (role play...Dad
can be the neighbor, your daughter can be you and you can be your
daughter.) It's sometimes more fun and even more effective to switch
roles as I suggested.
I have found that when you take the time to plan for success for the
next time interrupting might occur, your daughter will give you more
compliant behavior because she has been involved in the plan to change
the behavior. I would suggest a similar plan for the teacher...to
talk to your daughter outside the heat of the moment. Perhaps it would
help the teacher to have your daughter right next to her (for a couple
of days) when she gives the class directions so that she could be
stroking her shoulder (with attention) or even holding her hand as
she speaks to the class. This can be done by the teacher without anyone
really noticing including your daughter. It would also be helpful
if the teacher (and you and your husband) praise your daughter for
polite patient behavior when she could have chosen to interrupt. This
is a very powerful part of teaching right from wrong and getting the
desired behavior to continue.
I hope my brief answer gives you a few ideas that help. There is much
more on this subject in my book. It is available at any bookstore
or it may be ordered directly from my web site at www.pocketparent.com
<http://www.pocketparent.com/> for the discounted price of $8.76.
It is an A-Z quick-read guide written with compassion and humor exclusively
for parents of 2- to 5-year-olds.
Wishing you peace and more uninterrupted moments...
Gail Reichlin
