Q: My 9-year-old daughter and I don't seem to be on the same wavelength. She almost never does what I tell her to do the first time. This truly drives me crazy! It usually results in my angry screaming and threatening or my resigning to do it myself! Any suggestions?

A: Your child has chosen to become "parent deaf" as she tunes out your request … quite a common malady and extremely annoying, to say the least. If your child is used to you asking 3, 5, 13 times, she has become aware that she does not have to comply until you really lose it. A pattern has been set and you are actually helping to perpetuate this negative cycle.

First of all, I suggest you stop what you are doing and make sure you and your child are in the same room when you tell her to do something. Better yet, walk over to her and look her straight in the eye as you gently remove the earphones. Then, calmly try to state what needs to be done in simple terms without long explanations loaded with reasons. Sometimes it's helpful to ask your child to repeat what you said. In this way, you are certain she has heard you correctly and furthermore, she is aware that YOU KNOW she heard you.

Follow through with the pre-set consequence the whole family decided on at the last family meeting if you do not get compliance after the first request. Getting the children's input tends to make them more responsible to avoid the consequences they have helped set.

For example, in one family the older sister agreed to clean up the clothes for her brother as soon as she came home from school, and he agreed to pay her $3 plus record a CD of her choice any time it occurred.

Another family simply decided to close the door of the sloppy room and put a sign that said "CONDEMNED - Enter at your own risk!" Mom also honored her children's request by giving each of the kids their own laundry bag on a hanger in each of their closets to make their job easier. If clothes were not in the laundry bag they did not get washed. So if the kids chose to leave them all over the floor and they ran out of clean clothes, they had to wear dirty, wrinkled ones. Mom complimented them when they chose to do as they had agreed. Mom, by the way, agreed to collect the laundry bags from the closet and they chose to put laundry away together on Sunday as a family. The cooperation was amazingly improved.

For some kids, actions speak louder than words; so Dad gathered up all of the unsightly underwear and literally placed them into the unexpecting lap of the guilty party. He then calmly added simply, "Hamper, please,'' and did not move away or break eye contact until the child headed off to the laundry room.

--Gail Reichlin