Q: We have an adorable 3-year-old son who can be an angel and do anything you ask with a "yes maam" one minute and be hysterical and doing anything he can to annoy you the next. He is also adjusting to a new baby sister (almost 3 months old). I've constantly praised him, giving him extra love and special attention, but he has to know that listening to Mommy and Daddy is not optional and that he can't always be the center of attention. What do you suggest to minimize his getting "negative attention"?

A: Dear Mom and Dad,

Learning that he is not the center of the universe takes time. A 3-year-old is by nature very egocentric. At this stage of development, it is quite normal that most of what is important to him is how he sees the world as it directly relates to him. He is not very good at putting himself in someone else's shoes to feel how someone else feels, because of his immature thinking ability. So, realistic expectations are in order here. (In my book, THE POCKET PARENT, I have a detailed explanation with many examples of how a 2- to 5-year-old thinks. There is also a chapter on the new baby which gives many quick suggestions how parents can help big brother adjust to his new rival for your affection.)

It is also important to keep in mind that there is nothing more important to this child than your undivided attention 100 percent of the time. Of course he will learn over time, that that wish is impossible to fulfill. However, remember that if he can not get your attention by positive behavior he will go for anything that will get a rise out of you. In other words, if he gets you (for example) to scold him or drop what you're doing to run after him to keep him from touching the hot stove, he has achieved his goal--getting your attention...even if it is an angry warning of not repeating his misbehavior.

You have been doing the right thing to give big brother some one on one attention without the baby...five minutes to look forward to every day can really help. I suggest you call this special time "Mommy/Charlie Time" and "Daddy/Charlie Time". Then you can refer to Mommy/Daddy Time, Mommy Alone Time, and Mommy/Baby sister Time, so he can better understand this concept of the earth revolving around the sun and not him! You can say, "Right after I nurse the baby it will be Mommy/Charlie Time and we will do your puzzle together.''

This takes time, patience, and occasionally, a good babysitter, so Charlie can enjoy the full attention of his parents as life used to be...without the baby...This will also give you a break- and big brother will feel he is still very, very special. A great line that I suggest in my book is "I love Daddy, Grandma, ... (etc...name as many family members as you wish) AND the new baby. BUT... there is a special place in my heart for you, and you alone. You are my only special Charlie! (and give him a great big Mommy hug!)

Good luck!
Gail Reichlin