Q: Hi. I am a single parent of two kids, ages 6 and 4. They behave very well with my parents who care for them while I am at work. But the minute I arrive home, they begin to whine and fight and the behavior progressively worsens until I lose my cool. HELP!

A: Dear Mom,

Thank goodness they behave well with your parents! If it were the other way around you would be in trouble with your babysitters! Consider their behavior at home a compliment to your parenting. In other words, they feel loved enough, comfortable and safe enough to really "let their hair down" in your presence. I would assume that sometimes they are simply tired, bored, quibbling with the sibling for whatever reason or just wanting your complete, undivided attention.

Try to establish a routine when you come home from your mom's house. If the kids know what they are expected to do, they are more likely going to cooperate. In other words, in what order do they eat, watch TV, take a bath, etc.?

However, keep in mind that kids will be kids! When they are really annoying, I would try to take a deep breath and lighten up a bit. This takes practice. Use your sense of humor. Talk to them in a funny voice, dance with them, and get silly. Sometimes, they will just join right in or suddenly stop fighting and whining if for no other reason than to watch your show.

In order to teach the lesson, talk to them more about their bad behavior later (perhaps at bedtime), outside the heat of the moment when you have a chance of them listening to you. As young as they are, invite their input in solving the problem at hand. For example, tell them how sometimes you really have a throbbing headache when you come home from work and that loud screaming makes it hurt more. Ask them what should Mommy do if she has another headache and you are both screaming and fighting with each other? They might suggest something that makes good sense like, "Play some quiet music that you like and take an aspirin!" And you can add, "What will you kids do? They might say, "We will whisper and go into the family and watch our video...Okay Mommy?" Studies show that when the kids suggest what they are going to do, they are more apt to do it the next time the situation arises. Make sure you compliment the good behavior when it happens. Say something like, "That was very kind of you both to talk softly and watch your video so that my headache could get better. That's what I call cooperation!" And if it feels right...give them each a hug.

Give these ideas a try and let me know if there is improvement at home with your kids.

Good luck!
Gail Reichlin