Q: My 5-year-old daughter is in kindergarten this year. She has consistently had her folder marked since the beginning of the year. Mostly the teachers notes say that she is not following directions, but there are also notes saying that she howls like a dog, not telling the truth, rolling on the floor, etc. I'm very concerned about my child. She does not like to listen, and basically, she is not "afraid" or worried when she gets into trouble. It's like, "oh well, so what."

My daughter is not "all bad." She has a sweet disposition, and when I talk to her, she will listen. Usually removing her from a particular situation and discussing things with her works. When I talk to her about why her folder's getting marked, the stories are totally different from what is being stated from the teacher. For instance, the folder said that she was spitting at another child at the lunch table. When I asked my daughter what she was doing (without making her feel like she was in trouble), she said she was make the sound "ada ada ada" talking to other kids and food came and food came out of her mouth. Another situation is, her folder was marked for "hitting another child." When asked to explain the situation, she said "Jacob told me to throw the block at Alex." That is not "hitting another child," that is throwing a block at another child. Since writing this e-mail, my daughter has been put in in-campus suspension, and the teacher is continuing to mark her folder. My daughter basically does not understand what is going on, and she has been crying to me because she just doesn't understand.

I really started questioning the situation with the teacher when I received my daughter's report card and some things she put on there I know are incorrect. For instance, the teacher stated that my daughter needed reinforcement in talking in complete sentences. I know for a fact that she has extremely good communication skills. Needless to say, we are having a parent-teacher conference this Thursday, and I've requested a counselor to be present. Can you help?

A: Dear Mom,

I am happy to hear that your daughter does have a "sweet disposition" much of the time. It is a very positive sign that you have found that she will listen and discuss things calmly away from the situation. This is the best time to have a discussion due to the fact that "in the heat of the moment" people often have trouble communicating effectively (thinking, listening, and talking) due to their feelings and emotions getting in the way. So, it is wise that you two continue to do your Mommy/Daughter problem solving at bedtime and other planned discussion times or at general family meetings.

Ask your daughter to give you her input about the situation at hand, so that she knows her opinion is valued. For example in your case, you might ask, "What can you say to Jacob next time when he tells you to throw a block at Alex?" You can even use role-play by acting out the scenario using stuffed animals or consider switching roles, which is often fun to act as different people (i.e. you are your daughter and she could be Jacob). Look at the example in The Pocket Parent about "Good Choice" and "Bad Choice". I think your daughter would like that role playing game.

You are doing the wise thing to schedule a meeting with the teacher to talk through your concerns. If possible, I suggest that both parents attend. This gives a clear message to the teacher that your daughter's performance at school is a priority and that everyone is interested in becoming part of a team effort to help the child succeed. I also see an advantage that everyone hears first hand what the teacher has to say while keeping in mind that everyone also has the option of asking questions and offering comments and suggestions.

Consider the thought that your child is probably better off if the teacher feels that the parents are on her side (as part of the team) rather than on her back (as a constant source of criticism). So even though you do not understand or agree with what you think is the "real story", give the teacher the respect and chance to help your child without directly attacking her (hard to do when you feel she has been wrong or unfair...but worth the effort for your child's sake who is with this person on a daily basis.).

Although I understand your frustration and even anger because of the differences you found in stories of what is written in the folder and what your daughter told you happened, I don't think that focusing on getting at "the real truth" would be a good use of the discussion time. In other words, I would try to avoid the dialog of "You said..." and "She said..." because in my opinion, placing blame on who is wrong or right is not what is important (besides you were not there to confirm either story for sure).

It is important to solve the problem so that it won't happen again. I see the problem as first, "What can the team (teacher, parents and child) do to help this child become more responsible for her actions? and second, "How can the team help the child understand what behavior the teacher is documenting in the folder as well as the consequences that will follow that particular misbehavior. I think the answer to those questions involves some private discussions with the child and the teacher as well as some follow-up weekly meetings with the child and perhaps the parents to discuss the behavior improvements and also any problems that have taken place so that they can be addressed quickly.

Communication is the key to solving all problems, and I feel from what you have told me about your daughter, that she is a smart little girl who does know right from wrong, and just needs some clear, caring communication from the teacher. Keep in mind that when a child knows that her parents do not like or respect the teacher, those honest but negative feelings will often serve as an example for the child to disrespect and dislike her teacher as well, adding fuel to the fire of continued "attitude" (not caring) and misbehavior often for the purpose of attention.

Keep in mind that the teacher will likely have the idea that you are coming in as "the enemy" because you have engaged the school counselor to be present. Think before you speak, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised as to the cooperation you will get from the teacher in forming a team that will focus on working to guide your child in the right direction. I have confidence this meeting can go well and that you will see improvement in communication as well as in your daughter's behavior. Also please compliment the improved behavior as it happens...and it wouldn't hurt to compliment the teacher's efforts in better communication with your child as positive feedback comes home from your daughter.

Good luck!
Gail Reichlin