Q: I am a father of a 6-year-old girl, who for the most part has exceptional behavior. My wife and I have been noticing some patterns of lying. We have only confronted her on the lies we have seen with our eyes or have first hand knowledge of. Our family philosophy is no spanking allowed, we don't believe and big person can strike a little person because of size or authority. We have used time outs at the bottom of our home's stair well, which is open at the bottom with a lot of space. We also take away special treats. At the age of 6 we have been using time-out intervals of about 10 to 15 minutes with discussion of the offence every 5 minutes. She doesn't seem to be curbing her lying all that much. We have told her since she was 2 years that if she tells the truth she doesn't get yelled at or grounded. But if she lies and we know about it we will punish her very hard. I don't believe 15 minutes is severe enough to get my message across. I want to praise her a lot when she tells the truth but punish her severely when she does lie. Can I make the punishment for lying more severe by making her have a timeout for 1 hour at the bottom of the stairs and if so, is it too drastic if we ADD MORE TIME TO THE HOUR EVERY TIME SHE LIES?

A: Dear Dad,

You and I agree on the reason for no spanking. And you seem like wonderful, caring parents, wanting your young daughter to grow up with a strong sense of values and self-discipline.  I totally commend your for those goals. However, I advise that you concentrate on specifically praising the truths rather than looking for more effective and stronger punishment for the lies in order to teach the values lesson. (You wrote that you noticed that she doesn't seem to be curbing her lying with the punishment you have been using).  I agree that time-outs can be an effective tool, especially for kids, 3 to 6 years old.

However,  I define the technique quite differently than you have been thinking about it.  So, I will offer you my thoughts on the subject while encouraging you to take my information and filter it through your personalities and parenting style and use only what makes sense for your family. You are the experts with your daughter...no one knows her better than her mom and dad.

Your question is how long can a time-out be extended in order to successfully deter unacceptable behavior, in this case "lying?" I believe that increasing the amount of timeout time will NOT make the technique MORE effective. And in my opinion, one hour is not an appropriate time frame for a time-out for any child of any age for any offense, as I define the term in my new book, "THE POCKET PARENT." Furthermore, I personally would not choose to use a time-out as an appropriate consequence for lying.

That does not mean I am a wimpy parent that would allow my child to get away with lying. I would address the situation both in the heat of the moment and later on by revisiting the situation with the child from time to time through discussion, using a number of positive discipline techniques other than timeout. (I have a whole chapter on lying in my book as well as a chapter on discipline and a detailed explanation of discipline vs. punishment.) I would recommend using time-outs only for the most serious, angry, abusive behavior, like hitting and hurting others, damaging property, and using unacceptable language that hurts people's feelings. Here are some excerpts about time-out from my book:

* Think of time-out simply as an acceptable verbalization that serves to STOP the dangerous or inappropriate behavior (instead of a physical smack). The calming down part is optional, in my opinion...it simply doesn't work for all kids and their parents and that does not mean the child or the parent is a failure…it means trying a different discipline approach is in order.

* Does a child have to be relocated for a time-out? That depends on what works for your child and you. Some children are better able to calm down and regroup in a designated place. Others fall apart at the thought of sitting on a "time-out" chair for the purpose of calming down or contemplating their poor behavior due to their temperament and personality. It's simply not a good match for some people.

* A time-out can be brief; it's NOT meant to be a punishment or "doing time for a crime." Some experts recommend using one minute per year of age as a general time frame for "cooling down." However, many kids only need a few seconds to regroup. Use time-out for only the most serious offenses; otherwise, it will lose its effect (while you lose your mind!).

* If timeout is not comfortable for you to implement, or if it isn't effective with your child, STOP using it.

* Remember, time-out as we define it does NOT teach your child anything; it only mandates a STOP to an undesirable behavior, while preserving the dignity of both you and your child. The teaching comes later in planned discussion which is part of the discipline philosophy of teaching right from wrong.

* Decide whether you will remove your child to an isolated location, away from toys and the attention of family members. Is it helpful for your child to spend some time alone cooling down, or does he just become more furious and uncooperative in isolation?

* Consider letting your child decide when she is ready to join others and welcome her back.

* It is important to continue to teach the lesson outside the heat of the moment, later on by revisiting the situation at a calm time either in a private discussion at bedtime or bath time with a young child or in a more formal family meeting. You can role play the situation as well as tell a story about it thereby pointing out what could happen differently next time.

Getting back to the "lying" when you ask your child if she finished the lunch in her luchbox. The truth is that young children think quite differently than adults. I taught preschool for 30 years and I supervised a program called "lunch buddies" where I ate lunch with a group of 5-year-olds and learned a lot (outside the classroom) about how they think. (I know your daughter is 6, the behavior is still similar) When you ask your child about her lunch and she says she ate it all, the truth is that in her mind... she ate it all (except what she was too full to eat or just didn't need or want…not really a lie).

Additionally, I would venture to guess that she probably doesn't remember if she ate everything because it is not important to her to remember that. Although you mean well, in my opinion, you are actually helping perpetuate the "pattern of what you perceive as lying" by continually asking her this question.  I believe that if your child really wanted to lie to you to avoid a punishment, she would do a better job by simply throwing away (in the school garbage can) whatever she didn't want to eat.   In this way she would avoid unwanted interrogation and a punishment for lying to boot!  Think about it.

The fact that she continues to bring home the remnants of her lunch serves as proof to me that she truly thinks she ate her lunch as has "honestly" told you.   Because you would obviously know what she consumed by simply opening her lunchbox, I need to ask you what is the purpose of repeatedly asking her the question, "Did you eat all your lunch?" I think you have to honestly determine why this question is important to you. Is it a rule in your home that all food served must be eaten and not wasted? Are you concerned about her nutrition and therefore want to keep track of exactly what she ate and didn't eat? Or are you trying to test her to see if she is "lying?"

 If you are trying to teach your child that lies are not allowed by trying to catch her in one, I would advise you that that effort will backfire and not give you the desired results.  That strategy will usually encourage a child to continue to lie in order to please you and to avoid punishment. If you are asking the question for one of the other purposes, further discussion is needed to explain to the child why the truthful answer to this question is so very important.  When the child understands the bottom line, she will probably be more inclined to remember and report to you exactly what she ate at school.

Take care,

Gail Reichlin