Q:
My daughter, Sarah, age 11, who is American-born, has been here in
a European city for 2 years at a school where she never felt comfortable.
In September she chose to go to a fee-paying school that chooses all
girls based on academic standard in a town that is a 45-minute train
commute for her and is in a comparable 6th grade (Year 7). She loves
the facilities and the teachers - she has challenging classes such
as Physics, Chemistry, Religious Education, French and Spanish. I
felt that I had my "old" child back - she came home excited
about school and the challenges and did her homework and talked about
all the opportunities. She signed up for basketball and karate after
school, she volunteered for the lunch time choir and drama class.
She was really happy - happiest I have seen here since 1999 when we
moved.
As if the bubble has to burst, she has been complaining that she has
had difficulties making friends (she is the only one from her old
school to apply and be accepted at this new school). We have been
working on friend-making techniques and trying to establish friendships
when we are geographically challenged. Friday she came home in tears
when several girls who gave her a hard time. She asked a group to
quiet their voices as she helped a "smart-girl" who was
not feeling well - they turned on her and during the day began to
make sharp comments her way. Such as, "Sarah, why are you hanging
around with that "know-it-all" girl. I bet you got into
this school on a waiting list." (as opposed to being the school's
first choice). Then they sat next to her in the cafeteria and Sarah
moved away. They taunted her with "That is no way to make friends,
Sarah."
Various other scenarios such as this presented itself during the day.
On Monday of this week she came home sick (no fever, on and off stomachache).
Today she "pulled" the same and I made her go and talk to
the school nurse. I am afraid that this vivacious child will return
to her cocoon that she was in at her last school. I do not want to
over-react and get everyone involved, but would like techniques to
keep the self-esteem up and to assist her in not alienating her peers
while still wanting to participate in school activities. Any help
you can give would be wonderful.
A:
Moving and changing schools at Sarah's age can be quite challenging,
especially going into a private school where perhaps kids have been
together for many years. It is fairly typical for the girls to "test
the waters" with the "new kid" at school. And that
process can be quite cruel.
As hard as it is for parents to hear and see that their child is so
upset, hopefully they praise their daughter for just sharing her feelings
with them and give her tons of empathy. Validation of her feelings
can be very consoling. Like, "Oh Sarah, that really must have
hurt your feelings. I bet you were raging with anger inside. That
would have probably made me cry and want to run away."
It is very important that Sarah tries not to react to the girls' comments
with emotion. This takes practice and you can roll play with her at
home so that she knows just what she can say the next time a similar
situation occurs. When they made the comment about hanging around
with the "know-it-all" girl, she could have said something
like, "I think she is nice." If they are going to reject
her because she is trying to help someone who is not feeling well,
then what does that say about them? A reply to the comment about how
she was accepted to the school could have been, "I don't think
I was on the waiting list," in a non-emotional way. That takes
the tease out of the comment.
We are not sure why Sarah moved when they sat down with her at lunch
-- was she trying to avoid their comments? We guess we agree with
their comment about that not being a way to make friends. That was
an opportunity to befriend them. Making an assumption that they were
going to be mean is not helpful; maybe they were going to be nice.
If they did chose to taunt her, she could then have said, "Hmmm,
I thought you wanted my company. I guess I was wrong. (getting up
to move) I really prefer to sit where I'm wanted."
We hope that Sarah continues all of her wonderful activities, which
will positively impact her self-esteem. Perhaps these girls are jealous
and threatened by her talents and success, which could be why they
are giving her such a hard time.
In as much as girls Sarah's age are trying so hard to be accepted
and are so sensitive to peer comment and criticism, we hope that she
knows that HER opinion about herself is more important than theirs.
If you keep specifically recognizing her strengths as well as simply
acknowledging her feelings on a bad day, we think she will know that
you understand and empathize with her situation. Consider telling
Sarah some true stories about your childhood or someone else's in
your family relating to teasing and friends and how they overcame
adversity. We have found that technique to be very helpful. A child
often feels comforted in knowing an adult had worked through similar
situations when they were young...so it gives them hope and even a
bit of motivation to hang in there.
Perhaps having one of the girls at a time over to your house or to
meet Sarah on neutral ground (a park, a shopping mall, a restaurant,
museum, library, movie). If she gets one advocate, the tides of friendship
may just roll right in.
This too shall pass!
Judy Freedman and Gail Reichlin
For more information about teasing, visit Judy Freedman's web site
at:
http://www.easingtheteasing.com
