Q: I never know what my four-year-old is going to say next. Yesterday, he chose to greet our elderly neighbor by shouting, "Hi dumb doo-doo head!" How do I curb this embarrassing behavior?

A: Dear Mom,

"A 3-to 5-year-old uses bad words for a variety of reasons: to express anger, to defy adult authority, to get your attention, or just to be silly (innocent preschool humor). If you can determine WHY your child is using bad words, you will be better able to handle it effectively." --excerpted from The Pocket Parent written exclusively for parents of 2- to 5-year-olds.

It is helpful to keep in mind that discipline is a process of teaching right from wrong. During the heat of the moment, many times no one is able to really listen, and therefore is not the best time to teach the lesson. Although you don't want the child to get away with rude behavior, you are better able to further discipline (teach) the child by talking later on when you and your child are calm. The key is to address the undesirable behavior while trying not to overreact...this is easier said than done!

Here are a few specific suggestions to address the misbehavior.

* Talk on behalf of your child. Calmly explain to your neighbor, "My son is really angry that we had to leave during his favorite TV program. I'm sorry that he was so rude."

* Eye to eye, speak directly to your child (in earshot of the neighbor). Consider saying, "Ooops! I think you forgot our rule about no 'name-calling' because it hurt's people's feelings." Then, take your son's hand and continue walking as you model polite conversation by saying, "Have a nice day."

* Compliment your child's kindness and good manners when he does greet your neighbor politely. Specific praise is very effective in changing behavior to the positive. "I noticed how kindly you just spoke to our neighbor."

* Plan a private discussion later to further teach the lesson. Perhaps even choose a word that is acceptable to shout when angry, like "Gadzookus!" No one will be offended and it becomes a special ''family thing.''

* On a really bad day, when everthing seems to be going wrong, take a deep breath and buy yourself some time to figure out an appropriate consequence. Say, "That was a bad choice of words, I need some time to decide what I'm going to do about that."

Good luck!

--Gail Reichlin