Q: My 4-year-old son will not listen. He won't listen to me, his teachers, his grandparents, no one. He can be a very good, loving child, but only when he wants to be, and the majority of time, he doesn't want to be. He also cannot keep his hands to himself. What can I do to help the situation before his school gives up on him?

A: Dear Mom,

I am happy to hear that your son can be cooperative some of the time. It sounds like his behavior right now is quite a challenge for everyone to deal with. You don't mention if this behavior is new or not.

Sometimes defiant behavior is just a phase that will go away with little intervention. Sometimes this type of behavior is rooted in the temperament your child was born with. In other words, he may be a very active, distractible, impulsive child by nature…a bit more challenging to handle on a daily basis than some other kids. He could also could be dealing with an emotional issue that is underlying this behavior (such as dealing with a new sibling, a move, an illness, a death, or divorce).

As far as his behavior in school, I suggest that you and your son meet periodically with the teacher to talk about his current progress or setbacks. If your son knows that his behavior and attitude at school is important to you (and he will by you prioritizing time to do this), there's a better chance for a change to the positive. Try to get input from your son at these "team meetings" (see Q and A called "Can't Be Quiet in School" for more on parent/child/teacher meetings.) Ask him what might help him keep his hands to himself. Give him some ideas if he can't think of any. Keep track of improvements and praise the positive behavior.

Here are some general suggestions excerpted from the chapter called "Listening" in my book (The Pocket Parent):

* Talk to your child outside the heat of the moment when the child seems relaxed and able to "tune in" to what you are saying. Bedtime and bath time, or even in the car together work well to revisit a misbehavior incident.

* Bend down to the child's eye level, and perhaps touch his shoulder or arm before you start speaking. While it seems to you that he is purposefully ignoring you, much of the time he is so engrossed in what he is doing, that he truthfully may not hear you at all. Use three senses (touch, eyes and ears) to help open communication lines with your child.

* Avoid starting your sentences with "If" (usually an unwelcome threat), "You" (often a character attack), and "Why…? (they never know why). Rely on "I statements to get your point across. "I'm angry and disappointed that you are not dressed. I'm going to take your hand and walk with you to your room to get you started."

* If you would like your child to do something--be specific rather than giving a general command like "Clean up this room this minute!" Instead say, "Please put the videos on the shelf while I gather the crayons into the bin."

* Get your point across with fewer words. Say, "Shoes!" rather than a long, loud explanation when you're in a hurry about what will happen if you are late for work.

* Communicate with a note (even pictures work with a non-reader).

* Give your child a challenge to beat the clock. I bet you can't get your coat on by the time I wash the last dish. Ready, set, go!" (Of course, your child will win!)

* Ask your child to repeat, in his own words, what you just said. Then you will know if he heard you, and he will know you know that he heard you.

You've got a bunch of things to try…good luck with your son.

--Gail Reichlin