Q: I just read your advice about kids not eating veggies and have some follow-up questions. I showed my daughter (5) a book of 40 children's recipes all perfectly and deliciously illustrated and she turned her nose up at anything with colors in it (e.g. tomato, greens) and only agreed to try the plain looking foods that did not have any outstandingly obvious ingredients. Once I pointed out that there was say, cheese in that cheesy bread, or egg in the French toast. She even said no to them. I know that I could have just not told her what was in them but once something is prepared, she asks anyway and is not easily fooled.

It seems as time goes on that she is narrowing her tastes to consist of occasional fruit, school snacks and chips and chocolate cookies etc. She eats very little in the way of meat, vegetables and good quality breads/cereals. I know that I am the one providing her with the option of eating junk, so I was wondering if simply removing the temptation completely and having no processed, junky foods in the house is okay. Will she eventually eat the foods I offer her or is this a bit like mild child abuse because I am forcing her to eat what I want her to or starve?

Her behavior is becoming more and more entrenched into her personality and is causing a gap between us that is becoming increasingly difficult to bridge. I am sick of battling to have some ability to control her when she is out of control. She, in turn, is sick of me nagging. I know these are two separate issues but I really feel that If I can succeed in improving her diet without it being a fight, I can spend more time on our relationship and build some more positive, constructive ideas into issues such as discipline. Her diet improving may just be the catalyst toward a more harmonious household and happier mother and child. Please help!

Worried Mom

A: Dear Worried Mom,

One of my three now adult children is still a picky eater. So I empathize with your good intentions in introducing your daughter to a children's book of illustrated recipes, only to have those efforts backfire a bit. A rule with the 2- to 5-year-old crowd is "less is more." I am not suggesting that you lie to your daughter if she asks what is in the food, but why give her more information than she needs? You can try to give her an answer like this, "It's very healthy and I can't wait to prepare it for us to share together. Would you like me to make it for dinner tomorrow or shall we have it on Sunday when Granddad comes to visit us?" Giving her a limited choice gives her a bit of control in the situation. If she doesn't answer or seem to care, then you can respond, "It looks so good, I can't wait till Sunday…we'll have it tomorrow."

Consider concentrating on the few pictures of the items that she has agreed to taste and cook up an appealing presentation that both of you sit down to enjoy together. I feel it is important that you eat the same food with your daughter and I feel she would benefit hearing you say that it's "yummy", if it's true. One of my preschool moms complained to me that her 4-year-old daughter often refused to sit down and eat no matter what she cooked or said in support about the food. I asked Mom if she sat down and ate the healthy meal with her daughter. She responded, "Never! I don't have time! I'm running around the kitchen trying to do everything I must do in the morning.'' I told her she is sending the message to her daughter that if it were really important to eat this "healthy meal," Mom would be eating it too.

Giving your daughter more information than she needs to make that decision is not helpful in trying to get her to try new foods. Perhaps she is asking what is in the food before she eats it because she has heard talk that she may have a food allergy. If that is the case, I would say that she might be fearful that she may get a tummy ache or act out with uncontrollable "hyper behavior" that she has overheard could cause such things.

If you sense she is indeed reacting to foods in an allergic fashion, look into it with your doctor. I would find it very frustrating if my doctor said he would not address the situation for 2 more years. Some children are effected physically and behaviorally to such things as dyes, chemicals, mold dairy products, grains and more. I would probably opt to see a pediatric allergist to check out my concerns if this were my own child.

In answer to your question about available choice of food in the house…Yes, I do think your daughter would eat some healthier food if you did that. However, from my own personal experience, try not to expect many new or healthy foods to be quickly added to her "edible list." These picky eaters sometimes eat one or two things over and over, every day. If you could get her to the point of having 5 to 10 favorite "edible" staples, I think you'd be on the right track if you tried to have some of those always available to her. Ask whomever else serves this child food for their input to you as to what she seems to eat as far as healthy food in their presence (school, friend's house, grandparents, etc). I do think that going "cold turkey" with no junk food at all would be difficult for her and maybe for you too. After all, you would like a nice piece of cheesecake once in a while. Teaching and modeling moderation is a good life lesson anyway.

You cannot make a child eat unless you force it down her throat, and that would be child abuse. And, she then she could still gag and throw it up if it disgusts her enough to literally make her sick. Leave the evaluation of her state of health to the pediatrician. If he says she's healthy even though she eats little meat and veggies, stop worrying.

I would concentrate on establishing better communication lines with your daughter rather than looking to fix your mother/daughter relationship with a proper diet. I feel her diet will improve when the battle over food diminishes. Since you are both sick of the "heat of the moment " nagging, shouting, and battle to get compliance, I suggest you stop what isn't working. Talk to your daughter when you are both calm, maybe before bed. Invite her to help solve the problem by discussing it.

Perhaps she can "role play " with you. She can take one of her stuffed animals and pretend the doggie is going to have lunch. You can be the doggie's mommy and tell her what's for lunch. Then see what the "doggie" wants to eat or doesn't want to eat. She may even tell you through her play the reason why the doggie won't eat the food. (usually the reason she won't eat it).

Also, try taking a pro-active approach for next time. For example, tell her that her friend is coming for lunch and you would like her to decide what and maybe where they are going to eat lunch. Maybe they could have a picnic inside the house, on a blanket. It could be a lot of fun planning it, thereby helping you become closer as well as figuring out together a meal she would enjoy eating that is also fairly healthy.

The first step to a better relationship is to want one…the next steps take some work, a good sense of humor and a bit of luck. I have confidence that you are on your way to closing the gap in your relationship with your daughter that has been bothering you. Feel free to keep me posted of your progress towards your goal.

Good luck!

--Gail Reichlin