Q: My son is 9 years old. For about a year he has been stealing items from family members inside and outside the home. He had several empty boxes in his room where he stashed the items. And later, after discovered, he started stashing under his mattress. There have been at least three incidences in the past year. I tried every punishment that I can think of from paying back money to his grandmother, returning jewelry to aunt, writing letters, no TV, no outside, writing reports on stealing, spanking, talking to him, destroying the "stash" boxes, professional counseling, etc. The first time he stole he was not remorseful at all. The last two times he has been. He told me that he doesn't know what is wrong with himself and he doesn't know why he does it and it will never happen again. And yet when the opportunity presents itself, he steals again. Now, I keep him close by and am constantly watching him. It is bad but I don't trust him. He was recently suspended from school for stealing his principal called and said that two students saw him but when they questioned my son he denied it. The principal said they believed him and were going to follow another lead. I knew my son was guilty when she said they believed him. He has this way of convincing people that he is telling the truth when he simply is not. I immediately went to the school and asked my son three times for the phone before he told me that he put it in the lost and found. PLEASE HELP ME! I'm usually, a very optimistic person but I'm wondering if my son is simply doomed.

A: Dear Mom,
Almost all of us, at least once, steal something during our lives. Some young children take things because they don't understand the concept of ownership...everything becomes "mine" as they literally try to make it so.

Some kids are impulse driven; they see something they want, they immediately react, and they take it without thinking about ethics or consequences of their actions. Most of the time these are not "bad kids" in the general sense of the word. Many of them are influenced by their peers and they try to impress them with their "guts" when they are dared to do so.

Still others steal as revenge or pay back to their parents for not giving them what their wanted or needed in the first place...a control statement or punishment of sorts to their parents.

And then there are those who steal because they have a medical condition due to some type of chemical imbalance in the brain. What's a parent to do?

The good news is that most all stealing is curable. Here are some general tips to keep in mind:

* Try not to overreact to the behavior. In your anger you may resort to verbal threats and putdowns or even physical punishment that you will undoubtedly regret when you calm down.

* Cool down and arrange a private discussion to try to get a handle on the child's underlying feelings. Encourage your child to tell the truth rather than trapping them thereby pushing them into a lie.

* Help your child take the responsibility of his actions and make amends or restitution. If it involves more money that he has, consider lending the money to him and together figuring out a plan to pay you back. Keep him accountable to you for that on a weekly basis.

* Help the child know that he is not a bad person, but rather that he made a mistake and that he can correct it and hopefully not repeat the stealing again.

* Reassure the child that he is loved no matter what; that does not mean we love or accept the undesirable and embarrassing behavior.

*During a family meeting or private discussion, discuss the consequences if the stealing should happen again. Encourage the child to think of what he feels would be appropriate. Children are more apt to comply with the rule if they have helped make the consequence.

You might consider whether your son may have a compulsive brain disorder such as kleptomania, which is the compulsion to steal things. The clue that this might be the case is the part in your letter where you report that your son said he doesn't know what is wrong with himself, doesn't know why he does it, and would not do it again. This could represent compulsive behavior over which he actually does not have control.

You mentioned that you have tried counseling at one point, and we don't know for how long, or what kind of professional you saw. If you choose to try counseling again, consider looking for someone who specializes in compulsive behavior disorders, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, because kleptomania falls within this continuum of problems. If the problem is more related to some kind of underlying emotional conflict, seeing a well-trained psychotherapist could be the right thing to do.

It is possible that your son actually has some kind of brain dysfunction that is underlying this behavior. Has he had any kind of brain trauma over the past year or two, such as a fall, or some kind of accident in which his head was knocked in some way? That may seem like a silly question, but psychiatrists who specialize in brain imaging tell us that a whole range of strange behaviors can result from trauma to the brain, and such trauma can result even from what may seem like relatively minor accidents.

Another thing to consider is that medications are available that can help the brain get "unstuck" from the cycle of needing to repeat certain dysfunctional behaviors. Usually, a combination of a particular approach to therapy, called "cognitive behavioral therapy," and possibly medication, are quite successful in treating the disorders.

We admire your many attempts to help your son get over this problem and your insistence that he not "get away" with lying. Clearly, you have tried hard to help him improve his behavior. We wish you much success.

Sincerely,
Nancy Bruski, LCSW, and Gail Reichlin