Q: I am at a loss for how to get my daughter to behave lately. It is little things, but they seem constant... For instance, I was driving with my boyfriend and two daughters to take them to see their Dad (we have been separated 9 months now), and my boyfriend told her to move her face away from the gear shift so he could switch gears in his standard truck... She wouldn't do it. I actually had to forcefully pull her back so he could move the stick shift. It is very frustrating when she acts this way. Her Dad said that when he had them, his girlfriend's mom had bought her and her sister a stuffed bunny. Instead of being polite and appreciative, she complained about hers because she liked the shirt her sister's bunny had on better! I have always taught them "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!" I have told them how these comments are rude and can hurt people's feelings. She just seems like she is trying to make us angry for some reason. Any advice?

A: Dear Mom,

I understand first hand how sometimes our children's behavior can be so very annoying. After all, many times, it seems like they are trying to make us angry on purpose. Why do they resort to such stubborn, rude behavior when you're sure that they know better? I hear how frustrated you are with the "little things" that seem to be popping up more frequently. Let's take a look at your particular situation. You did not mention the ages of the children, so I will assume they are between 3 and 6 years old.

You have made it clear that respecting the feelings of others is important to you. You mention that you continue to teach them what words and behavior hurts people's feelings. I admire your efforts in trying to teach your children right from wrong so that one day they will have developed a good sense of self-control. This takes time, patience and many lessons on your part during the early years.

I think you are doing the correct thing by addressing the bad behavior, but I also think it is extremely important in succeeding in changing the behavior to try to understand the child's feelings behind the wrongdoing. Although I only have a short paragraph from you, I will offer my guess as to what is going on in regard to your daughter's feelings.

No matter what the reasons were for you and your husband deciding to separate 9 months ago, your children's wish is most likely for their parents to remain physically together; so there is often anger there. Additionally, it is not uncommon that a child feels the breakup is all her fault. Children think such things as: "If only I hadn't called Daddy a bad word…If only I hadn't dropped the glass of milk on the floor…if only I hadn't hit my sister…my dad would still be here."

It's helpful to remember that much of the time, children don't just start talking about how they feel. They often need your help in engaging them into a conversation that will help you understand their feelings. Role-playing situations with dolls or stuffed animals or role reversal of the people themselves is often helpful in discovering the underlying feelings of a young child. Keep in mind that a child's feelings are REAL, even though you may not agree with them or think they are silly or totally irrational.

No matter how nice your boyfriend and your husband's girlfriend are, they are intruders into your children's family constellation as it was (Mommy, Daddy and children). I'm not sure how much time you spend with your boyfriend or if he lives in your home, and that is your personal right and decision. You are entitled to have someone in your life who makes you happy. However, it is very important for your children to have time with their mommy without the boyfriend. They most likely see him as someone who takes their mommy's precious attention away from them, no matter how nice he may be to them.

These types of feelings might explain why your daughter has her face by the gearshift (she knows that is the part of the truck that makes it move). Could it be that she is upset that Mommy is "getting rid" of the kids so her boyfriend can have Mommy all to himself? Or maybe she didn't have a very good time last time she was at Daddy's and doesn't feel like going there. Many times a young child will physically lash out at the closest object or person … that doesn't mean she is angry at that person, but just that she is directing her angry feelings AT that person. As good parents, it is helpful to determine if the child's behavior is willful disrespect or if she is reacting to a different issue.

Perhaps next time you can try to acknowledge your daughter's feelings by saying something like this: "Honey, I see you are feeling like not cooperating right now. It's hard to have Mommy and Daddy living in two different houses, isn't it? But, we both love you and your sister and I know your Daddy is looking forward to seeing you today. So I am going to pick you up and help you get back into your seat belt. Would you like me to sit next to you and hold your hand?"

This type of positive, understanding behavior on your part will take thought and practice. And on a very bad day it's simply not possible because you may be too emotionally upset yourself. But when this type of approach works, it feels so-o-o good and seems so sensible and compassionate. You are still taking control of the situation while not letting the child get away with misbehavior.

I would like to offer the following tips from psychologist Dr Paul Coleman sited in his book called "How to Say It to Your Kids: The Right Words to Solve Problems, Soothe Feelings and Teach Values'':

* Jealous children may feel a loss of their "loveableness".
* Loss of control of a situation (sense that matters are unfair) when something happens they can do nothing about can cause anger and defiant behavior.
* Look for clues to your children's feelings by observing their play.
* Empathize and probe for underlying loss…"Do you wonder if Daddy and I still love you?"
* Encourage your child by reminding her how she has had past successes and fun at Dad's house if she seems reluctant to go.
* Model coping skills for your children and let them hear you say, "I really don't want to do this but I will even though it is not easy."
* Discuss feelings before and during drop-off time to the other parent. Consider something like this, "We will be getting ready to leave in a little while. I always feel sad when I have to drop you off because I start to miss you. I wonder if you feel the same way."
* Beware of saying, "There's no need to be sad or cry." Feelings of sadness are OK and understandable.
* Avoid threats of rejection and abandonment. For example avoid saying things like, "If you're going to act this way, you can stop coming over!"
* Allow enough time to discuss things so that the kids understand. For example, it is not the best time to say as your kids are getting out of your car about to go into the house of the other parent, "Oh, by the way, next Sunday, I won't be able to see you. I'll be away on business."
* Keep in mind that in order to please you, the kids might feel that they have to pretend with their feelings.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Sincerely,
Gail Reichlin