Q: My 4-year-old daughter, soon to be 5, is a middle child. She has great difficulty sitting still for any length of time, has a very limited attention span, does not choose to join in class-group time at school and has difficulty "listening". I have tried time outs, removing her from situations, speaking in a quiet voice, speaking in a low voice, yet still have difficulty "correcting" unruly behavior. I would like to refrain from spanking her but feel that I am headed that way, as I feel utterly helpless whenever I try to correct her. She often smiles and laughs at whoever is trying to correct her. My husband and I both work outside the home therefore it really bothers us that quality time with the children is often interrupted and focused on her because of her actions. One on one she is an excellent child, very loving, enjoys reading books (having books read to her) and really flourishes individually- but she is a bit of a loner and would prefer to look at a book by herself or watch a video tape rather than participate in a group time activity. She is initially very curious and social to adults- She plays well with her classmates and has several "best friends". I would appreciate any books or recommendations you might have on handling/directing her behavior. I am concerned about her failure to listen/participate as she will mainstream into the school system next year and realize that these skills are necessary to flourish in that environment.

A: Dear Mom,

As a parent and teacher, I am definitely able to empathize with the things that have been "bugging" you. I find it helpful to keep in mind that "growing up" is a process that for a variety of reasons often includes phases and stages of negative behavior. It is simply a given that trials and triumphs will arise along the way for both child and parents.

Additionally, many experts have said that "middle children" often feel that they just don't get the attention they crave. A good book to read with your daughter on this subject is Noisy Nora by Rosemary Wells. It is an entertaining rhyming story that addresses the emotions of a middle child. Nora feels left out and jealous of her siblings; her baby brother needs constant care and her big sister is old enough to get to do all the fun things.

The fact that your daughter does well one on one and with adults leads me to believe she does indeed enjoy the attention. The fact that you say your daughter has friends is a positive sign of emotional and social well being. Therefore, I wouldn't worry too much about her choosing to be a "loner" sometimes rather than engaging with the group activity.

In regard to the school issues that worry you -- difficulty in listening as well as adequate participating in group time -- I would try to give the responsibility to the teacher to address those concerns. I think it is always a good idea to schedule brief conferences to get feed back on the progress or setbacks at school.

If you feel comfortable talking to the teacher, consider sharing your successes or frustrations that occur at home concerning her short attention span, etc. Perhaps together you can come up with ideas to help each other. Sometimes one of you will be aware of something that happened during the day or evening that may be the catalyst for the misbehavior. With that type of information you and/or the teacher would be better able to understand the situation and help address the child's behavior appropriately.

I further recommend that you try to stop doing what isn't working. This advice may seem so obvious and simple…but it's not easy to do! Much of the time, all of us find ourselves operating on "automatic parenting pilot." We continue to yell, threaten, nag, spank, and criticize-occasionally to the very edge of our sanity! We continue to envision that the chosen punishment, when administered in the heat of the moment, will serve as his fair consequence, thereby somehow magically transforming the disobedient child into a compliant remorseful angel. Could you imagine your child responding, "Thank you for bringing that to my attention…that wasn't nice of me to hit my sister." I'm willing to bet that few if any parents have heard that…it's simply not normal.

None of us want our children to "get away with it". After all, it's our job to make it apparent exactly who is the parent! And sometimes we all have felt it's our kids that seem to be calling the shots…Right? We've all been there… I totally understand your frustration and feelings of helplessness in trying to correct an unruly child.

I encourage you to teach the lesson for next time outside the heat of the moment. Consider revisiting the situation with your child in a private discussion or a more formal family meeting. Welcome input from the child as to what they think would help them not do the behavior next time. Also ask them what they think should be the consequence if it happens again. They come up with interesting things and are more likely to cooperate with rules they were involved in making.

As far as helpful books, I recommend my new book with co-author Caroline Winkler called The Pocket Parent. It will be available mid-October. It has hundreds of sanity saving suggestions for parents of 2-to 5-year-olds relating to 40 worrisome issues organized from A to Z. I hope you'll get many ideas of how to feel more confident in trying to do your best at the hardest job in the world…that of being a good parent!

Good luck!

--Gail