Q: I'm having a problem with my 12 year son Phillip. He hangs the phone upon me whenever we speak and he doesn't like the chores I've given him to do, or the rule I've set. What would be a good punishment to stop this behavior. The bed early, an extra chore, etc. have not stopped this behavior. I am so angry with this disrespectfulness that if I could reach through that phone, I would. Help!

Sincerely,
Disconnected.

A: Dear Disconnected,

I understand that feeling of being at the "end of your rope." I have raised 3 children, and have been there many, many times. All parents get "tuned out" by their child's selective hearing…Phillip is choosing to tune you out in a very hands-on fashion, by hanging up on you.

Keep in mind that punishment will usually only cause feelings of revenge, and might even increase your son's disrespectful attitude. I am quite sure a stricter punishment will not get the chores done. So why not try a new approach, if as you say, punishments are not working?

The key to eliminating the disrespectful attitude is by seeking better ways to communicate with your son. The best time to do that talking and listening is in a calm time in a private discussion or in a more formal family meeting. You can consider making a dinner date, or Sunday pancake breakfast at McDonald's or a favorite dessert treat served in the backyard.

During this discussion it is important to talk about your feelings. It is helpful to express them by using "I statements". For example, "I really get furious when I'm at work and you hang up on me. The truth is, I really need your help around the house because I can't do it all." Then you can acknowledge his feelings by saying something like this, "I know how you hate do take the dog for a walk and get the dinner warmed up."

I suggest that you come to the meeting with a written list of all the stuff that has to be done. Ask Phillip to help you figure out how to get it all done. Maybe he will be happy washing the windows or setting the table, or watering the grass and the flowerbeds and you never even thought he would prefer those chores. Maybe he will consent to hiring an inexpensive but reliable dog walker (the 11-year-old neighbor) out of HIS allowance so that he doesn't have to physically do the job, but is still accepting the responsibility to see that it gets done.

Bottom-line, get your son to help solve the problem of following the rules and getting the chores done. When a child has an opportunity to be heard and is allowed to honestly express his feelings, he can often come up with solutions and consequences for himself that make sense to him and that therefore will keep him in line. Children tend to respect and accept the rules that they help set. I also think it is important to compliment his cooperation. Be specific in your praise. Rather than saying, "You did a great job," consider saying, "I noticed how clean the garage floor is, even the corners are swept. "

I encourage you to leave him little notes. Twelve-year-olds like notes, especially positive ones. For example, leave one on the door when he comes home from school that tells him to check the answering machine for a special message from you (prepared ahead of time). Leave a message on the answering machine that says something pleasant, like where his snack is or simply that you love and miss him.

I suggest that you don't call home unless it is necessary and make some rules about him calling you at work, etc. Save most of your problem solving for face-to-face communication.

I can guarantee that most 12-year-olds are not crazy about chores and they certainly don't always like following the rules their parents set. I would encourage you to hold realistic expectations for your son's behavior. I'm sure you would be amused by the shock if Phillip would call and as you pick up the phone you think you hear him say, "Hi, Mom, just calling to see how you are. I'm done with all my chores. I have some free time right now and I was calling to see if there is anything else you would like me to do?" Dream on Mom…and good luck finding better ways to communicate with your son!

--Gail