Q: Hi, I've three children, a six-year-old, a three-year-old and a two-year-old. The two-year-old, Sophia, is extremely jealous and possessive. She follows me everywhere, wants me to pick her up all the time and gets upset when I cuddle and kiss her sisters. When either of her sisters are sitting on my knee she will push them off {they are really good and most times move without a fuss} I've tried telling her to wait her turn, putting her next to me and giving her a cuddle as well, even putting her on the floor and asking her to stay there, she just gets hysterical and starts hitting and kicking. She gets loads of attention and I feel her sisters aren't getting their fair share. Please advise

A: Dear Mom,

I truly admire your desire to be fair and equitable with your "mommy" attention. However, I bet you have already noticed that the more you strive for "even-steven" relating to your three young children, the more your kids will choose to keep score!

To illustrate what I mean, consider this scenario: One morning you get up early to make your famous homemade pancakes. You proudly serve them to all three of your children, only to be bombarded with a barrage of dissatisfaction…"I got the burnt one", "She got the better one", "I want the bigger one", "She got the best one"--even though YOUR eye saw exactly the same presentation on each of the three plates. That irritating, thankless behavior can be exhausting and frustrating to a very well meaning mommy or daddy.

I suggest that you consider redefining what "being fair" to the kids truly means as far as your behavior. When I embraced a different slant on the words, my life got easier. I like to think of the definition as "meeting each child's needs" rather than in terms of being "equal". It doesn't hurt to learn and experience early on that many things in life are not fair nor easy to deal with.

In the example with the pancakes, imagine your 6-year-old said, "She (my sister that you like the best) got the most!'' Instead of getting out the micrometer and scale to prove her wrong, you could first acknowledge her feelings and then attempt to address and solve the problem. It could go something like this, "Hmmmmmm, I see that you feel your sister got more than you did. It sounds to me like you're still hungry. I've got more pancakes, would you like another one on your plate right now?"

Getting back to your specific case, little Sophia sounds like a very normal 2-year-old, and at this stage of development, is very egocentric. Her thinking and behavior is rooted in her perception of the world as directly relating to her own needs, desires, and experiences. Although you perceive and label her behavior as jealous and possessive, I see her behavior as typically two, vying for your total attention 100 percent of the time.

And when the two's want it, they want it…NOW! They are not capable of sharing very well nor grasping the idea of patience or delayed gratification. Additionally, they are not able at this young age "to put themselves in someone else's shoes" to understand how others feel. Your 2-year-old's thinking ability has simply not developed to an adult level, able to process information and reason effectively. This is important to keep in mind, so that your expectations for the desired behavior remain realistic and a good match to her developmental stage as well as her temperament and personality.

In my opinion, Sophia is much like a young puppy, and I venture to bet that neither of them would be able to "stay" on the floor for very long, obeying your well-meaning command without putting up a fuss. It goes back to that idea of realistic expectations. I suggest that you acknowledge her distress to let her know that you understand her unhappiness and try to solve the problem in a way that is appropriate to the situation at hand.

Consider using humor to stop the undesirable or dangerous behavior by saying something like this: "Oh Sophia, I bet you wish Mommy had 3 legs with 3 knees so everybody could have there very own leg whenever they wanted. Wouldn't that be fun? I could give you all a ride at the very same time. Do you think I could run faster with 3 legs?" You see, the goal as I see it is to stop the undesirable behavior as soon as possible and it can be done more effectively without punishment (in this case with humor and distraction).

Another positive discipline technique to keep in mind is praising her good behavior. This is so very effective, but we forget many times to do it as we seem to notice the misbehavior far more that the good and resort to thinking of better, stricter punishments that will teach the lesson.

For example when you see even the beginning of the good behavior you desire, say something specific like, "Sophia, I noticed how you politely watched your sister ride on my knee (even if just for a few moments). That was kind of you. Now it's your turn, honey." You will see her pride in her expression.

Be forewarned that stating the negatives may backfire… like, "Sophia, I'm so glad you didn't hit, kick or push your sister off my knee like you did yesterday." Sophia might as well have said to you, "Thanks for reminding me, Mommy, how mad I am that it's not my turn" and don't be surprised if she starts doing exactly what you just were so happy she didn't do.

I also recommend having some one-on-one time with each child, even for only a few minutes each day. It may mean getting a babysitter or dad to watch the others. You may want to leave the house to enable this to happen. It is good for each of the kids to learn, that there is Mommy-Sophia time, Mommy-sister time (I don't know the other names), Mommy-Daddy time, and Mommy-alone time. I found that labeling time with these words helps young one's understand over time they can't have you all to themselves at every moment.

The truth is…parenting is the most challenging job in the world and what seems to make good sense in hindsight as the right thing to do the next time…is often not easy to carry out in the heat of the moment…especially when you're having a really bad day! Sounds like you have two kids on the right track…Try to have some patience…I'm confident your 2-year-old will not disappoint you.

Regards,

--Gail