Q: I have a wonderful 7-year-old son who has difficulty being quiet at school. For the most part he listens to us at home when told to do a chore, or to do his homework, but at school the teacher has informed us that he has trouble being quiet and is disrupting the other classmates during school work time. His punishment is missing recess and I believe that this is the best opportunity to run off this extra energy. I am at a loss as to what to do to help him stay quiet in class. Any help would be appreciated.

A: Dear Mom,

I agree with you! A child that for whatever reason is talking too much certainly can benefit by literally running off his pent-up energy.

I do not feel that the consequence of missing recess is a good match for the misbehavior. I would schedule a meeting with the teacher and I would include your son. You could start your conversation by saying, "I'm confused. My son is a good listener at home and I would like to help work on ways he can become a better listener at school.''

Then I would ask your son how he thinks he could become a better listener. If he has no answers, ask him some questions. You could say, "When I was in first grade, I needed to sit in the front of the room so I could see the board better...would that help you? Do you think if different people were next to you (maybe girls) you wouldn't be tempted as much to talk to them? Do you think if you could run and shout outside at recess, you would be able to cooperate more in class? If you are misbehaving, what do you think should be your consequence?''

Then I would also ask the teacher what she has been trying. It is helpful that your child knows that you care how he behaves at school and that you will continue to have these "team meetings" with the three of you to keep track of improvements in his behavior. When you get together again start the meeting by asking your son to evaluate his behavior in general.

Then ask him if he can remember a time that was very hard for him to listen but he chose to cooperate instead of make a ruckus. I have found as a teacher that when children evaluate themselves, they seem to internalize right from wrong better and their behavior improves dramatically. It always feels good when the teacher says in front of the child that she noticed improvement.

If you find the teacher is especially difficult to work with, after a couple meetings include the school social worker or some other objective person from the school to listen in.

You can also talk to your son in a private discussion at home and see if he has any ideas for changing his behavior. Maybe he just doesn't like this teacher or the kid who sits next to him. However, that would serve as a lesson in itself. You could tell him that there are people you have to deal with out of respect that aren't going to be your best friends. And although it may not be easy, this is something we need to do as polite people.

If the teacher does not give him back his recess, I would take this up with the social worker or the principal. I recommend doing this as a last resort. Teachers get intimidated and angry with parents that go straight to the principal first.

It sounds like things are going well at home and that is a good indication to me that something is "off-base" at school. By opening respectful lines of communication, I'm confident that you will get to the bottom of this unacceptable behavior and hear that there is improvement.

Good luck!

--Gail