Q: My daughter just started junior kindergarten last week. She is in a class that is full day, Tuesday, Thursday and every second Friday. The first two days were wonderful, she went into class great, she had lots of fun, and when I talked to her at night she was raving about school. Now, today, she decided she didn't want to go to school and refused to do so. No matter what we said she refused to go, so she stayed home. Her grandfather is at home with her on the days she goes to school, and the other days she goes to her aunt's house with her little sister. I think one of the reasons is that an older girl told her that my daughter has no friends at school, only the friends around her house is her friends. How do I get her to go back to school next Tuesday? Both me and my husband work about 45 minutes away from home, so we can't go to help when she won't go to school. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Worried Mom

A: Dear Mom,

Starting a new school experience often has some initial battles of will. You say, "You will go, you'll have fun." She says, "I will not leave this house, I will not go to school!" What's a parent to do?

Take some advice from an understanding preschool teacher ... you need a plan and the teacher will help you figure one out that meets your child's needs as well as those of you and your husband. Each preschool and junior kindergarten has a separation anxiety philosophy and the teachers will have suggestions of how to handle situations like yours.

Some schools will encourage you or your babysitter to stay in the classroom for a few days or even a few weeks, until the child is more used to the routine. Other schools will suggest that you bring the screaming child to school and then ask you to leave your child. cold turkey with them. As both a teacher and a mom, I prefer the first choice.

Some schools will aim for a more gradual adjustment period by decreasing the hours in school. The teacher may suggest that the child come only in the mornings for a while. Another suggestion is starting with only 2 of the three days per week of classes.

Furthermore, some educators feel that it is more difficult to have a series of days of school that do not follow one another. Some think it is better to have three or two days in a row as far as a quicker adjustment to school.

In my personal experience of many years of teaching, I found that it might have been a bit easier to adjust at first with a consecutive-days routine, but after a couple months it does not seem to matter. Many parents say they like the alternating change of days.

Then of course, eyes and ears need to be open at school and at home as to what else might be the cause of the resistance, other than the general adjustment period of making a transition to a new routine. Although you think that you might have an idea that seems reasonable as to what might have set your daughter into this negative attitude, it's helpful to keep in mind that kids of this age think very differently than adults do. Even if you ask, she may not explain what might be bothering her.

I think you were very wise to talk about the school day under the cover of darkness, at bedtime when you and your daughter are more calm and able to really listen and talk to one another. I might suggest that you try some role-playing. You can switch roles as people. For example, you "become her" and she can "become the teacher" or someone else in the class; then you start a conversation about school. You can also use stuffed animals or dolls to do the talking. Consider also asking your child to draw her feelings about school with crayons or markers on paper. Then ask her to tell you about them and just listen.

Another strategy that sometimes eases a child's anxiety is to hear a story from you about when you were little and didn't want to go to school. You can tell her why and how you coped with the situation...that you got used to going to school and that later on in the year you sometimes became a bit sad when it was not a school day. A parent's true story can often be extremely comforting and motivating to the child.

So, there you have it ... some ideas to try and some things to think about. I am confident that your daughter will adjust to school. Keep in mind that if you decide that you made a wrong choice in selecting this particular school, it is not a crime -- neither you nor your child is a failure. It is not so much a fact that there are so many bad schools, but more a case of a poor match of the child's temperament and personality with the philosophy and policies of the school.

Wishing you and your daughter success at school!

--Gail