Q: My 10-year old daughter has a "mind block" when it comes to writing reports and book reports. She is very smart and writes her own stories, books, etc. all the time, but when it comes to an "assignment" from the teacher on her own time, she freezes up and can't seem to get started, carries on, etc. What suggestions do you have? It is not going to get easier for her. She is going into the 5th grade in a Montessori school. I have tried not becoming emotionally drawn into her carrying on, but I need more help.

A: Dear Mom,

Having raised three capable but very normal children, who are now 27, 24 and 18 years old, let me assure you that I empathize with your homework concerns. I have been there -- big time -- many, many times … totally at my wit's end! I often wondered why they waited until the very last minute, why their work wasn't always correctly or neatly executed, why sometimes it wasn't done at all … and most of all why they didn't seem to worry or get too upset about the situation. On second thought, I guess they really didn't have to!

In hindsight, it all becomes quite clear. You see, my children knew without a doubt that they could count on me (and Dad) to do ALL the worrying and caring that was necessary about their homework. Too often we found ourselves completely exhausted and ill-tempered, totally committed and engaged in "helping" get the assignment done to OUR satisfaction by the due date! If the kids threw a tantrum because they didn't have what they needed to get the job done, we were there to the rescue, sometimes seemingly at the price of our sanity! Where was the quality "fun" time we rushed home from work to enjoy with the kids?

By the time I had my third child, I was much wiser. I finally knew the answer to the question I kept asking myself for years… "Whose homework is it anyway?" And at that moment, I promised myself to honor my child's responsibility of getting the work done and handing it in to the person he is accountable to …his teacher!

Because most parents desire their children to perform to their fullest potential, especially in school, it is particularly frustrating when you know your kid has the ability do the work, but for whatever reason, she chooses not to. What is a mother (or father) to do?

I realized one day that homework is a very confusing term. It is a school assignment that is contracted by the teacher with the student. But all the trouble arises due to where this work is supposed to take place…in YOUR HOME! …In other words, on YOUR territory, where you have a right to enjoy some hanging-out time with your kids! The line is not automatically clear as to what your responsibility is relating to the homework that is really between your child and her teacher. Right?

Well, here's the key as I see it that will solve most of your homework concerns. Think of yourself as part of a team composed of your child, his teacher(s), and the parents. Set up a meeting, politely requesting a 45-minute period of time (as a teacher, one hour always sounded too long) when everyone can attend (before or after school) to discuss specific homework issues as they relate to your family. Focus on clarifying procedures and responsibilities of each team member. Encourage input from the child in all respects. Talk about your observations, the emotions evoked surrounding the issue, and the consequences of the chosen behavior. In this way, open lines of communication are in place so that the team can touch base when necessary -- to celebrate successes as well as solve problems that inevitably will occur.

In your specific case, when your child seems to be suffering from "a mind block" with an assignment from the teacher, offer your empathy. If this is the case, you can say something like, "Oh honey, I know how you feel. I know … I agree with you … this book is not my favorite either and I understand how frustrated you are with this assignment. You really do have quite a bit to do by tomorrow.'' Then you can leave the room. Your daughter will feel understood and the rest is up to her.

If you must do something, calmly discuss her options and let her make the choice. One of them is even choosing not to turn in the assignment at all. Then of course, you might talk about what would happen if she chooses that option. Some kids just really can't believe a parent is going to let them not turn it in. I have seen kids become motivated on their own after a couple times of testing the situation and receiving ''F"s. They started turning in their homework, as if by magic! After all, your child may realize that 5th grade will still be there next year and perhaps she will not be fulfilling the requirements to advance to 6th grade.

In preparation for the next homework "mind block", speak to your daughter ahead of time. Perhaps she will come up with a way to help herself when she is feeling overwhelmed. For example, one girl told her mom in a private discussion that she needs to take breaks to get her work done. Her mom agreed to let her try her idea the following evening. The daughter took a 5-minute break after 20 minutes of work. Children tend to accept things that they came up with far easier than a rule a parent initiated. But this must be done outside the heat of the moment in preparation for the next time.

MAKE IT VERY CLEAR TO YOUR CHILD WHAT YOUR ROLE AS A PARENT WILL BE RELATED TO HIS HOMEWORK … AND THEN WITH COMPASSION BUT WITHOUT GUILT, STICK TO IT!

Easier said than done! Good luck to you and your daughter!

--Gail