Q: I have a 9-year-old, almost 10-year-old son. How do we go about talking about the "Birds and the Bees'' with him? I want to make sure that my hubby and I cover all the grounds, and that we do it right!

Pocket Parent guest author Nancy Shlaes Bruski, a parent educator and early childhood consultant, provided the following answer.

A: Dear Mom,

Your question is a very important one. I'm always glad to see parents who are being thoughtful and reflective about raising their children. Wanting to deal with explaining sexuality to one's child in a healthy way is admirable.

The first thing I would suggest is that you and your husband think about why you feel it would be a good thing to have such a discussion with your son at this time. It is helpful to be clear about what your motivation is and what you hope to accomplish in talking about sexuality with your child.

I will make a guess that part of your motivation is related to your concern that your son understand what sexuality is all about in a way that is clear and healthy, and reflects your values, rather than simply hearing bits and pieces from peers who may not be very well informed or do not have what you would consider an appropriate view of sexuality and sexual behavior.

Usually it's helpful not to begin such a discussion by asking a child whether he has any questions about sex. Most children will answer that question with a "no," whether they have questions or not. It can be embarrassing for a child to acknowledge that he doesn't already know the "facts of life," and it can be uncomfortable for a child to think about discussing sex with his parents.

It is probably a good idea to let your son know that you would like to have such a discussion with him, because you want to share not only information, but your feelings and values regarding the subject. You might consider asking him whether he would prefer having such a discussion with Mom or with Dad, or with both of you together. That way, you're offering him some control over the discussion, which could be uncomfortable for him. While there's something to be said for giving a child such an option, it is also a good idea not to make the discussion itself into a major event. I believe that such discussions are best held as a series of conversations, rather than a one-time presentation.

You and your husband over a period of weeks might want to casually assess where your son is in his knowledge of the subject. You can do this by asking questions (these need to be somewhat indirect--don't ask a child if he knows what sex is, for example...it would be too embarrassing for him to admit not knowing.) or making comments and seeing how he responds.

Another possibility would be to just wait for a time when one or both of you are with him and the timing seems right, e.g., on a long car ride somewhere during which you've been having a good conversation and are feeling relaxed and comfortable. I know that I have had some of my best conversations with my two children when I was in the car with them. I think perhaps this is because there are no distractions, and there's both a sense of intimacy coming from being in an enclosed space together, yet some distance, because the parent has to look straight ahead while driving, so there's some sense of protection for the child to not feel totally vulnerable or exposed.

I believe it is helpful to look upon such a discussion as an opportunity for you to not simply explain what sex is, but to share your beliefs about how sex is related to people's feelings of love and connection with one another. An initial discussion about sex with your son should include a description of the physical act of sex itself. Some parents feel more comfortable giving their children a book about development and sexuality before having such a conversation. That is a perfectly acceptable approach as well. A librarian can help you find an age-appropriate book.

Probably the most important thing to remember is that this should not be a one-time conversation, but it should be the beginning of an ongoing dialogue. You want to open the door for your son to feel comfortable bringing his questions and concerns to you, sharing his opinions and beliefs as he develops them. In order to do this well, you have to be clear about what you feel and believe, and you have to be comfortable yourself in discussing sex with your son.

There will be many opportunities to explore further the many aspects of sexual behavior that will become more relevant as your son gets older. Sometimes issues get raised simply through watching a TV program together, in which aspects of sexuality are portrayed in a sensitive way, or perhaps in an offensive way, and you can use the TV show as a springboard for a discussion.

Remember that recent research has demonstrated that most teenagers still depend to a great extent on guidance from their parents. I applaud your desire to discuss such an important issue with your son.

Sincerely,
Nancy Shlaes Bruski

Nancy Shlaes Bruski received her Master's Degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of Chicago in 1975. Since that time, she has specialized in therapeutic work with young children and families. A passionate advocate of healthy families and high quality educational experiences for children, Ms. Bruski has been a parent educator and Early Childhood Consultant for over 20 years as well. She has also raised two children, now 16 and 21, whom she claims as her greatest teachers of the wonder and the challenges of the parenting experience.